Roses are red
Violets are blue
Coffee costs less
Than a dinner for two
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For somebody who ate their twin in utero I sure am a fussy eater
And is the financial stability in the room with us right now?
If I reach 700 followers, I’m gonna tweet naked for the next hour. Won’t do much for you guys, but it’ll certainly liven up Starbucks.
Im not lazy, I keep my windows dirty because I care for bird safety.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
“It got weird, didn’t it? ”
*Leaves on a pogo stick.*
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
Happy Teacher’s day, Wikipedia.
Your head is basically just the smartest part of your body wrapped in the spookiest part of your body.
I only look at Wordle for the articles
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
Washing my hands to an entire Pink Floyd album.
That should do it.
According to math, I’m broke
A welcome mat is a gateway rug.
It’s so cute how my kids think I’m going to go look for them after I finish counting to ten.
I hate when there’s a knock on your door and you open the door and it’s someone.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
me: I’m unable to stop making jokes
doctor: you can’t be serious
me: that’s right
kid: mom, have you seen my bag of candy?
mom: i ate it
kid: what?! mom i walked 7 blocks for that
mom: *glaring* i was in labor for day and a half when i had you
kid: oh god no i-
mom: *stepping closer* i pooped on the doctor’s hand
It’s just a flesh wound…
*looks down at hibachi knives I just pretended I was Master Chef with*
*looks at bystander I just chop chopped*
Never judge a book by its cover…
Take it to dinner and see how it treats the waitstaff, then judge it.
Hey girl are you a new high efficiency dishwasher because you’re so quiet it’s hard to tell if you’re turned on
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
Diet update: I’ve lost 7 pounds, two friends, and my will to live.
Be the reason why the lights flicker & the temperature drops when you enter a room.
What happens when the in-flight movie stars Adam Sandler.