I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
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I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: weird but ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello soda
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
I like my wedding soup made with real bickering.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Why have I gained weight? I don’t get it. Is it the extra butter on the bread? The extra ham on the butter? The extra cheese on the ham? The extra mayo on the cheese? What?
I needed a break from stupidity so I left work early.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
Toddlers are like wordle, you only get so many tries to figure out what word they’re trying to say
Satan why do u have pitchfork? Lotta hay in hell is there? Ok idiot
Him: I really like your car
Me: Thanks!
H: What is it?
Me: Uh……black?
Suddenly being asked for your thoughts in a meeting when you’ve spent the last 15 minutes thinking about which sandwich to have for lunch.
I can help anyone quit smoking by spraying them with hair spray as they light their cigarette.
The tapeworm was replaced by the CD-worm and then eventually by the mp3-worm.
Don’t ask me how evolution works!
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*
*first date*
Her: So what animal would you be?
Me: Oh a cat for sure!
Her: Aw cute!
(Later that night)
Me: *stood next to a closed door screaming at the top of my lungs*
Her: …Ok considerably less cute.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
Wish I was as brave as my kid who just ate zero bites of her dinner and then asked for a snack 6 minutes after the table was clear.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
this month’s full moon is in virgo. you know what that means: you shouldn’t be friends with me because i will tell you shit like this
I secretly replaced my husbands coffee with the empty toilet paper roll he left in the bathroom. Let’s see if he notices.
NASA: The moon is wobbling.
Me [on my 3rd Bloody Mary]: same
Were PacMan and Ms.PacMan married or brother and sister? Have some fanfic that’s either really awesome or really disturbing riding on this.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.
If the wife ever ends up on Snapped, it’ll be because at any given time I have 16 boxes of cereal open.