My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
I don’t own a Roomba vacuum but I do have a dog who follows my kids around while they eat their snacks
The closest I’ve ever come to winning anything was that time I got picked from a lineup at the station.
Her: so yesterday, I was sweeping—
Me: must be the season of the witch LMAO
Her: ugh that is IT *turns me into a newt*
A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I’m 48 years old and I pronounce pumpkin like PUN-KIN.
Bite me.
Even the stick figure woman on my wife’s back window has a headache.
Watching Jaws with my 6 year old because I’m sick of going to the beach
Granola Bars, for when you’re hungry & also want to teach your mouth a lesson
For my birthday all I want is for folks to strengthen friendships with old friends cus I’ve lost quite a few in the last few years and that saddens me. Also maybe a Camaro.
What North Korea really needs is a decent haircut.
Personal question. #JustSaying
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
The FBI’s security gets penetrated so often that we should make it an honorary Kardashian.
It’s amazing how fast a baby squirrel can run when you’re chasing it through your living room.
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
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Omg: dad, where did our names come from?
Karen: the algorithm, son
Meatsheets: dad, we already know there’s no algorithm
Karen: *soft blocks Meatsheets*
I’d totally bang him, but how awkward would the job interview be after that?
Love putting on underwear fresh out of the dryer. They’re so warm and cozy, and it’s fun.
* scans the laundromat and guess whose they are.
Parents are like “You left a gently used paper towel in your room over christmas. Do you need that? Want me to mail it?”
15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
-I love you!
-Me too!
-You too what?
-What you said
-What did I say?
-That
-Say it
-What?
-I want u to say it
-Well
-and?
-what?
-Say it
-it
Always use your best photos for your profile on FB.
Cause those are the photos the media will use if something horrible happens to you.
My family keeps leaving the door open- what type of exterminator handles flies, mosquitoes, and houseguests?
If I had a time machine, I’d go back and make better mistakes.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break