Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
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I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
I once accidentally broke up with a girl on a broken-down train, when I said “I don’t think this is going anywhere.”
When a movie says “Based on a true story.” it means this is sort of what happened but with way uglier people.
So you’re telling me, Clark Kent never took off his glasses to rub his eyes and Lois was all, “omg!”
Always give 100%
unless you’re donating blood.
PRIEST: do you have the ring
ME: *still staring into my fiancé’s eyes* yes on dvd
Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor
Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
when someone is in a Christmas eve panic, I always find that “well maybe you should have thought of that sooner” is a helpful phrase
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
He’s making a list, he’s checking it twice, he’s leaving the store, he still forgot milk
CAT: Hey, sorry about puking on your pillow
SCHRÖDINGER {busy}: Yeah, whatever
CAT: So uh…what’s the box for?
First they make you step on the scale, and then they announce your weight out loud. It’s like the assistants at the doctor’s office don’t know anything about women.
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
I hate when that happens.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
She said, “Are you even listening to me? This is important!”
I said, “I don’t know, pizza?”And that’s how the fight started
I’ve made friends on Twitter I never would’ve met in real life, and I wouldn’t trade them for anything less than $200.
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
When I was a kid, there were actually six oceans: The Pacific, Atlantic, Indian, Antarctic, Arctic and Billy.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
Me: It just feels like you’re holding me to outdated standards
My mum: Oh? Let’s see if my grandkids agree OH NO WAIT
There is absolutely nothing to stop your dentist from putting small tracking devices in your mouth. How would you know. You wouldn’t
The first 5 days after the weekend are always difficult😭
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Our ‘thoughts and prayers’ go out to all the vegans and innocent cabbages everywhere.
“Picture yourself lying here, bound and totally at my mercy”.
“Oh my,” I reply to my cheeseburger.
I work all day in front of a MEDIUM screen, so I can sit all evening looking at a BIG screen while scrolling on a SMALL screen