My husband just said “Do I look stupid to you?” Is this a trick question because it really feels like a trick question.
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[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
[feeling confident] *trips on a leaf*
I stand at airplane arrival gates with a “SAMANTHA” sign, then cry after everyone’s exited until airport security brings me soup. Free soup!
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Weird how people think I won’t summon Satan when they talk to me while chewing.
[first day as a detective]
ME: omg nothing but his skeleton is left!
OTHER DETECTIVE: this is a halloween store. the dead guy’s over there
*Arrives at work 2 hrs late
Boss: HR wants to see you about your behavior
Me: Well, I literally just got here so it couldn’t have been me
I still to this day think about that tweet where a girl said she walked into her room holding her phone in one hand and a cup of tea in the other and threw the wrong one onto her bed
If you wear a Bluetooth phone piece in your ear, you can say “You’re an idiot” to just about anyone you walk past.
When someone tells me they’re a doctor or an engineer all I can think is: “wow your parents must’ve yelled at you to do your homework a lot”
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[World War One]
Private Hitler: “How can I make this more about me?”
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
My boyfriend thinks I ask “dumb questions” like “would you love me if I were a worm” and then turns around and asks me shit like do I think it would be funny if he started doing Patrick Bateman’s care routine as a bit
If I don’t duck my head when I drive into the parking garage what’s gonna keep my car from hitting the ceiling?
‘I’m so single that if I win a trip for two, I’m goin twice’
Warm welcome to all my new followers from last night when I changed my avi to a skinny brunette from Pinterest
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
Got a new bottle of shampoo and now I’m using what’s left in the old one with the reckless abandon of someone who just won the lottery.
Make it RAAAAIN!!
ICE CREAM GUY: Ma’am, everyone gets the same amount of rainbow sprinkles.
[in living room]
Daughter: This show SUCKS
Son: YOU suck
Wife: Ok, that’s ENOUGH
Me: WHERE IS THE TV REMOTE
Realtor: *clears throat*
Me: Feels like home…we’ll take it
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Them: Ok we need to create good plastic packaging for cakes and cookies
Satan: MAKE IT REALLY LOUD
[ first day as surgeon ]
me: and now we let the anesthesia set in
patient: do i get some too
[restaurant]
BRUCE BANNER: [tries to pick up a crouton with his fork]
DATE: Are you okay?
THE HULK: I’ve been better.
Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week
1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow
yeh i’ll get up soon i just need to look at the internet first. yes the whole thing