listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
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Was getting into my electric car and a dude was like “I’ve heard those are worse than normal cars for the environment.”
“Oh yeah, way worse. That’s why I got it.”Just agree with people. They have nowhere to go.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
A little bit of rain and everyone forgets how to drive. Saw one guy try to start his car with a pancake.
Sorry I packed all your things up and put them outside when you said you were leaving.
I didn’t hear “to work.”
I don’t even have a calendar anymore, I just go to my guys group chat and write “Tuesdays am I right fellas” and if nobody says “you said it brother” then I know it’s not Tuesday
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
just nearly combined “no worries” and “all good” into the powerful concluding remark “all worries”
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
Wife: Who is it?
Me [hand over phone]: The police, they say it’s now illegal to fake throw a ball
Dog in other room: [hangs up his phone]
My brother and his girlfriend were complaining about jet lag in Paris so I told him to think of it as training for when they have children and never sleep again. Except they won’t be in Paris.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
me: why does nobody like me
therapist: have you considered that you can be a little dramatic
me: [lifting my head to reveal mascara streaming down my face] how
My cat yells at me like she’s my mother.
I was going to eat a healthy snack, then I remembered that time when Eve ate an apple. Figured, it’s better not risk it.
[INFOMERCIAL]
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
People that use shot glasses baffle me. Just take a swig out of the bottle like a normal person.
My little niece ate her chocolate Easter bunny’s face because she “didn’t like the way it was looking at her”
I’m locking my bedroom door tonight
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
If I were Noah, I’d bring 3 of every animal just to create some drama.
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
[road trip]
DAUGHTER: I have to use the bathroom.
ME: *pulls into rest stop*
DAUGHTER: Thanks.
ME: Make sure you’re back in 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: I will.
ME: We accidentally left your brother behind once.
DAUGHTER: I don’t have a brother.
ME: Exactly.
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Italian names sound delicious. Even Mussolini, sounds like a fried cheese that ends up oppressing your digestive process. #Italians
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
me: can you turn into this mcdonald’s
my uber, bumblebee: i can only do robot
it was love at first sight
#WhatMostWomenWant A man with a vibrating penis.