Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
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Vet: your dog has a virus, causing the weakness and lethargy
Me: oh no!
Vet: if you give him this medicine, he’ll get back to his usual energy levels
Me: OH NO!
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
ME: I hope for your sake you were attacked by a stick figure.
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Fox: Winter is here. We need a plan to survive.
Bear: I have a great idea! We just sleep until spring.
Goose: Wanna hear migrate idea?
When I worked at McDonald’s, if you ordered a 20 piece chicken nuggets you actually got 32. I hooked up everyone unless you were annoying
me: *just doesnt know when to quit* see you tomorrow
boss: *just doesnt know when to fire me* yep
Absolutely cannot wait for the Jonas Brothers’ third film: Happiness Ends.
I’m tempted to start throwing glitter at people who refuse to wear masks. So sorry it got in your mouth and up your nose, I bet a mask would have prevented that.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
People say I’m hard to get hold of but my fax machine is always on.
I love therapy sessions because I get to cry for an hour. It usually freaks out my patient, though
There is no “I” in TEAM. But there is MEAT.
Delicious meat.
Me: Hello darkness, my old friend
Darkness: *rolls eyes*
Why isn’t there a roomba that cuts grass? Probably some stupid law about sending a blade wielding robot out into the neighborhood.
My mom remembers exactly what she was doing when Elvis died but can’t remember my name half the time, my birthday, or who my dad is.
Critics agree that plot considerations did not justify the near-constant nudity in your film “How To Safely Use A Ladder In The Workplace”
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Kid: I love you
Me: to the moon?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back?
Kid: yeah
Me: and back again?
Kid: no, that’s too much love
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I’m doing my best
Today, I saw someone waving and I wasn’t sure whether they were waving at me or at someone behind me. In other news, I was fired from my lifeguard job.