[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
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My 4yo said he was playing at lunch with a girl from his class at school.
Me: Which game were you playing?
4: Lava Queen and Assistant!
Me: Let me guess. You were the assistant?
4: How did you know, daddy?!
Daddy knows.
*calls ex wife three weeks after the divorce* what kind of yogurt do I like?
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
we’re dead?
BOSS: it says here that you’re too sexy for your shirt. Is that a typo?
ME: *doing my little turn on the catwalk* I’m also good with Excel
If I ever get married, throw mozzarella cheese, not rice.
I hate how every single day my ex wife just keeps waking up!
If you’ve never seen your woman truly pissed at you, it’s obvious you’ve never used her sewing scissors to cut paper.
Jesus: Honor my sacrifice by refusing meat on all holy days and each Friday.
John the fisherman: *slides Jesus $20*
Jesus: Also, Fish isn’t meat.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Me: My golf distance is improving. You should see how far I can get my clubs down the fairway now.
Friend: Ball. You mean ball, right?
Me: No.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Marriage is a lot of why are you looking at me like that?
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Realtor: It’s a four-story building.
Me: Nice!
Realtor (quietly): AllFourOfTheStoriesAreAboutPeopleWhoDiedHere
Me: What?
Realtor: It’s cozy
In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
My cousin met her husband five years ago on tinder and are now married with kids but she still has him in her phone as “Tom Tinder”
Hey boy, are you the tasks written on my whiteboard? Because I don’t plan on doing you
I don’t like the gerbil I become when I’m stuck in a revolving door.
Very funny, whoever wrote WASH ME in the dust on my box of condoms.
Shut up & eat. There are people starving in Abercrombie & Fitch.
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Mountain Goat : )
My inability to pronounce Spanish names makes me sad, and I’m not even Jaoquin.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
I once dated a woman that said I used to much garlic and I got rid of that vampire right quick