*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
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My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
God: you’re a bird.
Penguin: yay!
God: but you can’t fly.
Penguin: why?
God: you need way more feathers to fly.
Penguin: oh. well that’s fair.
[flying squirrel glides by]
Penguin:
God: technically that’s not flying lol.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
[mattress store interview]
“What would you bring to this job?”
A blanket, some cheetos, wrinkle cream, probably a television.
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
Him: What? I couldn’t understand you.
Me: gnbkfshbffjjg
H: What?!
Me: GNBKFSHBFFJJG!
H: Damnit Aimee! Take the burrito out of your mouth!
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
“Is chicken the animal spelled the same as chicken the food?”
– my child, about to be shook
I helped my kids clean under their beds & we found 37 sticks, 15 rocks & their long-lost brother.
“You called about a break-in?”
“I did.”
“Anything stolen?”
“Just some food.”
“Anything else?”
“She messed up the furniture.”
“She?”
“Blonde girl. Jumped out the window.”
‘Was that really necessary?’
~slapped newborns
[At the job interview]
“We’re looking for a super friendly bright & bubbly person.”
“Would that be for the whole time?”
My boyfriend is not gay!! So please next time you see him with some girls dnt come telling me.
I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
A cheap way to get Botox face is by walking your dog in zero degree temperature.
Remember when you first started driving and everything was scary. Now you’re going 80, putting salsa on your taco, driving with your knees.
Sometimes, when I need a snack, I like to eat a gummy vitamin or 100.
Me: [adjusting cargo shorts] These babies are built for performance.
My wife: You’ve been sitting on the couch watching football all day
Me: [pulling a small container of bean dip out of one pocket and a bag of tortilla chips out of another] Was a question in there somewhere?
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
The most embarrassing moment of my life was when I called my teacher “mom” during sex.
That’s amazing.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
HR: “This is your revised salary. We recommend you keep it confidential.”
Employee: “Don’t worry, I’m equally ashamed of it.”
Before coffee: Annoyed by everything.
After coffee: Annoyed by everything but with the energy to complain about it.
No idea who she is but I want her to know I’m a huge fan and supporter of her work ✨
“Jesus Christ, Roger… What the hell are you doing with your life?”
It has come to my attention that some of you are eating the bottom half of cupcakes. That is the peel, people. Know your fruit.
I only came because I was told we would be playing Hungry Hungry Hippos.
Twitter. Or as I call it: Sinterest.