The first Humans saw the sun go up and then back down in 24 hours… and so they decided to call it a day.
You Might Also Like
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.
Rt to bother an English speaker
What if all the snakes on that plane were emotional support snakes?
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
[5th Century]
A KNIGHT LIFTS HIS VISOR TO SALUTE A COMRADE
[2016]
I nod to the other guy on the train who also spilled coffee on his crotch
I’m my own worst enemy, but there are literally hundreds of people tied for second place.
no one’s wearing a mask anymore not even bank robbers
The people who choose the “healthier option” at McDonald’s get a bad wrap.
Her: Baby, do that thing that makes me hot
Me: *kisses her neck*
H: *slaps me* I MEANT turn the thermostat up dummy, it’s freezing in here
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Tony Hawk, age 6
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Text your husband “I know your secret” and he’ll bring you home so many awesome presents!
You don’t even need to know what the secret is!
to everyone who met me 5 years ago im sorry i was hacked
Today’s PSA:
No one can “get your goat” if you don’t let your goat get got.-You’re welcome
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
When a comma gets too high it’s an apostrophe
Doctors say we need a bedtime ritual. Mine is replaying awkward moments from the day and obsessing on them for maximum sleep interruption.
it sucks that the 2020 election’s approach of both candidates offering us competing stimulus checks has vanished. please bring that back. please bribe us with money.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
FRIENDS reunion (2016)
RACHEL: [texting from bar] sry smthg came up
CHANDLER: [texting from home] same… work
JOEY: [in LA] wait THIS friday?
[First prison riot]
Me: *guarding my toilet wine*
I’m sorry but I love this one 🤣🤣🤣
Why don’t you get back in your little car with lights and pull over someone who cares.