[treading water in the ocean with my pet porcupine]
Me: we’ll just have to find another life raft, Jabby
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Now’s a good time to change your facebook name to “Nobody,” so when you click like on ignorant statuses it says, “Nobody likes this.”
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I’ve met a lot of dudes named Will; never have they helped me find the way.
“911, what’s the emergency?”
we were robbed. they stole the wireless router
“calm down”
also they shot my grandma or something. not sure
I am a tiny man: when my son was born, the doctor handed me to him
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
When Godzilla keeps knocking down stuff that you can’t even reach.
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.
“I’ll just iron my clothes for work in the morning,” he thought in stupid bachelor.
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
I remember Daddy told me fairy tales can come true so any time an old lady offers me an apple or cookie I kill her and bury her in the woods
*holds up gun*
GIVE ME ALL YOUR HONEY!Bank: You mean money?
*giggles*
Oh, bother…– Pooh robbing a bank
I threw a ball for my dog.
May be a little extravagant, but he looks great in a tux.
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
in a really good place right now!! (ordered something off the sandwich menu and it turned out to be a “toast” and i almost started crying)
Give me the nuclear codes. No one would expect me to have them
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I could never do time in prison – The handshakes are way too complicated.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then
[Dinner Party]
ME: I’d like to raise a glass…
{years later…}
ME: Son, you’re adopted
GLASS: WHAT?!!
Me: Doc, I hurt my back.
Dr: What happened?
Me: Well, I was rolling over in bed…
Dr: AT YOUR AGE??!???
There’s no such thing as bad press.
Johnson & Johnson: Hold my Beer!
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
8yo: Do we have a fire extinguisher?
Me: Yes.
8yo: Where?
Me:…
8yo: WHERE!
6yo: (from outside) It’s spreading.
Me: I’m up.