ALIEN: You Earthlings have many technological advances. How do you predict the weather?
ME: We pull a rodent out of a box.
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Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
I feel it
She was a mystery to me, much like the hair you find when you uncap the Chapstick.
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
[grocery store]
Me (chewing): why are these grapes expensive
Cashier: We know ppl eat them before they pay
Me (still chewing): well I never
I’m giving you my two weeks’ notice.
Husband: …
Me: *changes channel* *changes channel*
Pet hermit crab: no wait go back
Announcer: welcome to house hunters
What is the acceptable amount of deviled eggs one can eat in a job interview? This dude just said 5 is too many, and that CANNOT be right?
When you’re going through boxes and cabinets of dishes, 5 curious cats jumping in and out of everything is a rare treat.
GOD: *holds up dinosaur* what do we call this thing
AARON: aardvark
GOD: no you’re fired
LLOYD: llama
GOD: fired
PTOBY: hang on, I got this
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Me: I probably shouldn’t throw you bread
Seal:
me: I bet you have seal-iac disease lol
[later]
Scientist: we’ve never seen seals murder someone so violently before
*notices one of my own hairs on my dog*
WELL IT SEEMS THE TABLES HAVE TURNED
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
The thing I like about Dawn dish detergent is that I can wash my dishes, my pets, my gentles, and my car with it, and still have some to drink later.
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
*walks by HR door for 11th time to see if she’s not there so I can take some candy off her desk*
HR: Do you need something Josh?
me: Nope
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
The best sick burn I ever dispensed was when I showed up to eat on a patio with a group and I had an umbrella and a girl said “don’t be such a pessimist!” and I responded “I’m not a pessimist, I just know how to read a weather report” and then stared at her.
I get knocked down, but I get…ooooh look, a fruit snack
I just realized I’m back working retail during the holiday season which means I will inevitably make many people angry when I tell them “Happy holidays!”
Forget roses, lay me down on a bed of my favorite donuts.
Episcopalian sounds like a drunk person trying to call a cat
People who carry their dogs around,
You know they can walk, right? Theyre real good at it. It’s like one of the top known things about dogs
*Opening my window like a Disney princess to greet neighbors who are angrily throwing tomatoes*
I’m bathing in hot water with a bunch of vegetables, herbs and spices! The mayor has a big wooden spoon and he’s swirling the water around for me.
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
Cleanliness is next to godliness in a dictionary missing some stuff