I heard my cat walking down the hall because his claws are too long. Then I realized I hadn’t taken off his tap shoes since the photo shoot.
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When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
My husband doesn’t understand why I don’t just lock the door if I want to go to the bathroom alone, so next time he goes to poop I’m going to bang on the door and scream the whole time.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.
oh shit
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
If you don’t speak English. I’M GOING TO REPEAT EXACTLY WHAT I JUST SAID MUCH LOUDER. In hopes that you understand.
-Everyone at my job.
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
Need special medicine for our son’s kidneys but we can’t afford it because we bought printer ink last week 🙁
Blood is thicker than water, but maple syrup is thicker than blood. So pancakes are more important than family. There, I said it.
When my goldfish starts acting like a jerk I remind him that his bowl is microwave-safe
It’s weird that when demons possess people, they rarely seem to speak the same language. It speaks to an underlying problem of managerial disorganization in hell imo
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
If you lie down on the floor in McDonald’s you get to meet the manager
My son: When my friends are over, you’re mom. When it’s just me at home, you’re mommy.
My son, 30 seconds later: Mommy, why are you crying?
But that’s none of my business
Today I’m grateful that I fit through my doggie door and that my bulldog didn’t bite my face off as I was making my way through
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
My boyfriend is so cute I decided to get another.
I only let students whose parents schedule a conference with me, and then don’t show up, chose a kazoo from the prize box.
yes yes a thousand times yes!
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Superman: I’m faster than a speeding bullet, more powerful than a locomotive-
Batman: I fight a penguin and this really persistent clown
Walk up in the club like “THIS IS MY JAM” handing out small jars of my homemade raspberry preserves
Me: It’s hard to stay mad at a guy who shows up with pizza instead of a lame bunch of flowers.
Domino’s Delivery: Listen lady I’ve only been late one time.
[driving]
ME: Can I have some of your fries?
SON: No.
ME: *hits brakes*
[fries go flying]
ME: Now nobody has fries.
My neighbour has had this pair of shoes outside their flat for the last 2 weeks. Yesterday I moved one of the shoes to the left side of the door. This morning that shoe is now on the right. I think we’re now playing some sort of ‘Shoe Chess’ and it’s thrilling.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.