My GF’s anti aging cream went bad.
HOW DOES ANTI AGING CREAM HAVE AN EXPIRATION DATE?!
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Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around cake” trust me.
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Your fav movie?
My brain:
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say it
Don’t say itMe: It
American Ninja Warrior is a bunch of people who took “the floor is lava” game way to seriously as kids.
I’m wearing a tuxedo to work today in protest of casual Friday.
How do dragons blow out candles?
Optometrist: better or worse
Me: oh worse, everything’s definitely worse
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
I buy my cat Christmas AND Hanukkah toys, because I’m really not sure what her religious beliefs are.
Son: Dad is it true you named us after things you saw in the yard?
Dad: Yes we did, Hawk.
Rose: Nice.
Grill: You could have looked around a bit.
In Europe, her milkshake brings all the boys to the meter.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
I got my DNA results back and found out I’m 15% “Other” and now I’m ready for the mothership to come and take me home.
I don’t know who needs to hear this*, but vinegar isn’t a condiment
*The British. The British need to hear this
Beauty is in the eye of the beholder but sometimes you really need beer googles.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
*licks excess icing off mixer & spoon*
Wife: Aww, thanks hun!
Me: For what?
W: Doing my dishes!
M: Oh, I didn–
W: …
M: You’re welcome.
Me: i feel like we don’t communicate as well lately
Marriage Counselor: where’s your wife?
Me: shit I forgot to tell her about this
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
I don’t like revenge. Just one venge is enough.
My mom: The liberals in California are rubbing off on you.
Me: I know, it keeps getting in my hair.
(silence)
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
She went out this morning for milk and lovingly announced upon her return that she’d bought me two donuts, then when I wasn’t looking she unlovingly ate one.
This tree does a lot of weird exercises
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Received a resume today that listed gap explanations which included such hits as “skydiving accident”, “temporary blindness” and finally my personal favorite “cartwheel incident”
Sympathy for my 5 year old who has just announced he is allergic to all vegetables except chicken nuggets