I cleaned out my car and washed it, and now I feel like I can properly look down on others like god intended.
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“What’s your name?”
“Sharky.”
“Is that your real name?”
“Does it matter?”
“I guess not.”
*hands me my order*
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Conveniently, the sound from their early Saturday morning lawn mowers covers the noise of my sniper rifle.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
You can’t scare me. You’re not my child telling me that she’s tidied my bedroom and that there’s a surprise..
I love when fanfic writers write about seedy nightclubs because you can tell so instantly that they have never in their lives been inside one.
It’s like a zoo lion dreaming of the savanna
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
Making out like this makes me hungry ever since I practiced kissing on my ham
Him: …
Me:…
Him: …
Me: …
Him: It’s “HAND”
Me: Say oink
me: [holding knife] ok i’m not gonna cry this time
onion: hey remember the end of that movie about the dog
Establish dominance by sitting close to the buffet and growling every time someone walks up to get food.
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
Me: Cuz I’m going too fast?
Cop: Yes, go back a step.
Me: Ok, melt butter and peanut butter in a large pot over medium-low heat. Add marshmallows and stir until melted.
Cop: These Christmas cookies are going to be amazing.
I had a dream where I thought I had rats in my bed but it turned out to be a passel of wiener dogs. If my subconscious mind were a person, I’d want it in jail.
My gynecologist sent me a refund check for $18.70. I don’t know what it’s for but I feel like I need to be offended.
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
me: so… you want to come back to my place? *bites bottom lip*
her: don’t bite my lip
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
New neighbor came over and said “I’m required by state law to introduce myself.” Odd pickup line, but guess who has a date tonight, guys!
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
*seductively winces due to lower back pain
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
SCIENTIST: the earth is dying
ME: oh no how long do we have
SCIENTIST: 8 maybe 9 months
ME: so what you’re saying is no more condoms
I used to think paramedics were ghost doctors.
Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
Why do people get photo shoots done for newborns? Just find some pictures online they all look the same.
[biting into a large ham] what is the name of this exquisite fruit ?