The best job ever? Sleeping Beauty at Disney World. You just lay down all day. If anyone bothers you, it’s like excuse me, I’m working here.
You Might Also Like
I realize I’m struggling with this phase of my life but in my defense I wasn’t planning on living this long
Going to sleep: It’s so cold in here, I’m totally wearing these socks to bed
Middle of the night: GET THESE DEVIL FOOT GLOVES OFF ME
Me: Try this chocolate chip.
3 year-old: Okay!
[gives him coffee bean]
3: UGH, YUCK!
-Me, saving all future chocolate chips for myself while also spending all future money on his therapy.
Holy shit. I just remembered I was in Twilight.
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Finally sorted the Tupperware cupboard. Only took 20 minutes and fifty seven days.
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I think it’s unfair that when a human eats uncooked fish it’s “sushi,” but when a fish eats uncooked human, it’s “a shark attack.”
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.
Interviewer: “How much time would you spend on an issue before realizing you can’t fix it yourself and moving on?”
Me: “Well that’s subjective. I wasted a decade on a failed marriage, but I’d call tech support in like 5 mins.”
I bet that in China they tattoo themselves with stupid shit in English.
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
Lower back pain is 0/10 stars, do not recommend.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
100% of murder victims who responded to the survey really freaked us out.
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
Son, “Something wicked this way comes.”
-me, walking into the kitchen
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
I took 2 inches off my daughter’s Rapunzel length hair before heading to overnight camp and you’d think I just shaved her head for the army.
That depressing moment when you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
What idiot called it Kenny Loggins describing how he visited Bethlehem to see the Christ child and not “I went to the Manger Zone”?
Merry Christmas everyone
[Me, a famous art thief]
Art Garfunkel: Please put me down
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
Movies didn’t prepare us for the apocalypse to be this stupid
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
Geez man, take it easy.
[extreme Judas Priest voice]
🎶 WASHING THE HANDS
WASHING THE HANDS 🎶