If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
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*steps on Lego*
*stumbles backwards and trips over more Legos*
*throws all Legos away*
*Grandparents buy more Legos for Christmas*
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
ME: No offense, but I kind of hate the dentist.
DENTIST: A lot of people feel that way. It’s uncomfortable, and can hurt a bit, and they’re embarrassed they didn’t floss. Did you floss?
ME: It’s because a dentist murdered my parents.
DENTIST: Probably cuz you didn’t floss.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
Just realized my undies are on inside out .. Was gonna change them around . but I figured let the other side get sum action for a change .
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
ME: I’d like to buy some underwear.
CLERK: Satin?
ME: No, new please.
fired for “unleashing rats at work” which is bull shit first off because they don’t make leashes for rats
Boss: Someone’s been cutting corners.
Me: Hey, that’s unfair.
Edward Scissorhands: (acting nonchalant) Yeah, I noticed that, too.
Date: So what’s your backstory?
Me: Arthritis.
I tattooed the word “WINNER” on my forehead in case I meet anyone new and they have any doubts
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Monday, why can’t you be more like Tuesday and have tacos
Tequila is made from a plant so you could say I’ve been vegan so far this weekend
At my age, mercury is in hearing aid.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Samantha from Facebook wants everyone to know she & her family are going on a cruise next week just in case you want to break into her house
It still bothers me that airplanes aren’t called skyscrapers
Great minds think alike, but so do dipshits.
Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
I have a pun about carpentry.
but Im not sure if it woodwork…
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
Fears: dying alone, getting horribly maimed or disfigured, people who stick their tongue out in photos
Killer with knife to my throat: it’s ironic how you’re about to die in your living room.
Me: actually, that’s not really what ironic means.
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
I put so much brandy in my warm milk last night, I don’t even remember going to bed. It was like Milk of Amnesia.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 mins
Drying – 60 mins
Putting away – 7-10 business days.