ME: *to friend* you’re dumb as a box of rocks lol
BOX OF ROCKS: *putting finishing touches on his astrophysics thesis* dude
You Might Also Like
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy
[Speed date]
Me: How many taco trucks are in close proximity to your house?
Him: I uh… I don’t…
Me: NEXT
For all those men who say”Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free?”
I say: why buy an entire pig just to get a little sausage!
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
(Seductively stripping out of clothes)
Gynecologist: Please stop that.
Boeing’s commercial spacecraft will be undergoing its final test flight tonight. Knock on wood, guys! But not too hard, it’s a Boeing
I hope Prince Harry and Emma Watson last because if they have a son, it will be the half-blood prince.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Let’s have a race. You try to get an appointment with a licensed mental health professional and I’ll try to get a gun. Ready? I’m done.
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
[commercial for twitter]
hey do you love wasting time and also getting angry
Guy: [strolling along] Well, at least I have my heal- *piano falls on his head*
Me: [leaning out my apartment window] Oh no! My piano!
[lumberjack interview]
BOSS: I’m gonna “axe” you a few questions. Haha do you get it?
ME: Yeah I “saw” that coming
BOSS: Ooo welcome aboard!
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
The correct amount of coffee is the amount where, if you perished, your heart would continue to beat for a good 2-3 days.
[Walk into a Cat Cafe]
Me-I’ve never eaten cat. What do you recommend?
Lady-They’re for adopting not eating
M-Oh, well can I adopt one?
L-No
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
If you make fun of my messy car, don’t come crying to me when you need 350 hot empty water bottles.
When someone walks into a room, I like to tap the person next to me and in a loud stage whisper say “Is that who you were telling me about?”
“All I ever wanted to do is make a difference.” – Subtraction Man
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
Food shopping after I’ve eaten:
“That’ll be $56.93.”Food shopping when I’m hungry:
“That be $1,432.68. Do you need someone to assist you with your cart train?”
Them: What’s wrong with you?
Me: *gets them a chair and puts on the kettle*
“I wonder if there’s a word for a person who inspires you,” I mused.
Protip: If your wife says the cord on the vacuum cleaner is too short, it doesn’t mean she’s asking for an extension cord for her birthday.
So far the hardest thing about learning how to swallow swords has been cutting the swords up into chewable chunks.