I smiled and waved at my neighbour so I bet the first thing she’ll do today is buy bedroom curtains.
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You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
[nail salon]
Excuse me, do you do filing here?
“Yes of course we do!”
Great! I need a good refund
*hands over tax forms*
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
[at an interview]
Interviewer: what’s your greatest strength?
Me: I get along well with others
Interviewer: your greatest weakness?
Me: I use a lot of duct tape
My kids used to love the voice characters I’ve created while reading their favorite bedtime stories.
My wife during our sexy time does not.
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
The guy next to me on the plane turned his kindle off every time I tried to see what he was reading and I think that’s really rude.
you know how picasso had to learn the rules of painting before he could break them? that’s why i’m going to law school
Before they built this Trader Joe’s, there was just an empty field with wild shoppers politely blocking each other’s way
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
A concept so foreign, Angelina Jolie tries to adopt it.
ME: but I got to the buffet before anyone else
MANAGER: that’s not how the first responder discount works
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
Him: I got that dog in me
Me: are you a good boi? who’s a good boi?
[7 minutes in heaven]
Me: so, I’ve never made out with anyone before, have you? We don’t have to if you don’t want to. I don’t want to make you uncomfortable. Ugh I’m rambling now aren’t I. Sorry, I’m just nervous haha
Jesus: you’ve been up here 7 minutes what is wrong with you
Croatia-France sounds like a 19th century war to decide which cousin the crown prince is forced to marry.
i’ve eaten so many carbs during quarantine, my blood sugar is now regulated by pancakereas
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
Winning an argument on Twitter is the same as being rich in Monopoly.
It would be cool if a jar of Nutella had more than one serving in it…
[childbirth]
me: are you ok?
wife: IT’S AGONY!
me: I THOUGHT WE DECIDED ON TIFFANY
I don’t usually complain about the way people decorate their cubicles Tina but you should know my entire family was killed by a dachshund.
I replace all the family pictures my coworkers have on their desks with pictures of baby sloths and suddenly I need professional help?!?
Shout out to all the parents who volunteered to take care of the class snake over the weekend — last March.
I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.
One of the fake rooms at Ikea should just be a couple fighting as they try to put the furniture together