Dentist: Do you floss?
Me: sometimes at wedding receptions if I’m drunk enough
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Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Thanks for explaining my tweet, Dr Joke Getter PhD
My master plan is to forget sunglasses at every location in the world so wherever I am I’ll always have sunglasses.
Is your bathroom floor too dry? Try having kids™️
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Walked into my living room and found my 4 yr old watching tv and eating pizza
Me: bud, why are you eating pizza?
4: I was hungry
Me: well, yeah. I mean it’s 7am, why didn’t you grab a yogurt or something?
4: because there was pizza
WIFE: you forgot to run the dishwasher again, didn’t you?
ME: [drinking milk from a flower vase] no, why?
Anteater Kid: What’s for dinner?
Anteater Mom: Don’t be a smart ass, Brandon.
Kind of rude you didn’t wake me up before you went went.
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Nature can teach us a lot about navigating the workplace.
Reject new projects like a deciduous tree: “Conditions are unfavorable for me to accommodate additional photosynthesis, so I will be dormant for the winter.”
If you get engaged and you and your partner both owns dogs do the dogs become brother and sister or are they married too?
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
When people say “You can fit a million earths in the sun!!!”
I’m like:
Hey. Maybe we shouldnt put any earths in the sun. The sun is hot.
i once worked with someone who told customers “sorry, it’s my first day!” any time they messed up. for 2 years straight
“The only difference between heterosexual and homosexual sex is which hole you stick it in.”
~my mother after a few drinks
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
I was complaining to my mom that my kids are acting out on my bday and she reminded me that when I was a teenager I ran over her foot on her bday and honestly why is she making this about her?
so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
What idiot called it Oktoberfest instead of Octo-Bar?
Whenever I see someone trying to parallel park I avert my eyes and continue walking giving them the privacy they need because I’m a decent human being
[antique store]
customer: I want something new for my living room
me: do… do you know what antique means
Going on vacation is so expensive, but Camp Crystal Lake has the greatest deal this weekend. So I figured, why not? What’s the worst that can happen?
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.