ME: we need to fight diabetes
INVENTOR OF THE PIÑATA: say no more
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My grandma had a lock installed on her medicine cabinet poor thing no one’s ever going to visit her again
Found an old, dead mosquito in a storage box. You guys want to try and make a Jurassic Park?
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
drunk driving may kill a lot of people, but it also helps a lot of people get to work on time, so, it;s impossible to say if its bad or not,
If you scorn a Canadian, they will carefully craft a voodoo doll of your likeness, and then dress it in mixed prints, or give it bangs when it has no business having them.
If a vacuum cleaner really sucks does this mean it’s good or bad?
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
she’s going to make a soup or a hearthy stew perhaps
My kids are scream-fighting because one pretend-ate all of the toy food, in case you wanted to know why some parents drink.
I triple waxed for this?
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
It’s simple …..when life throws you assholes..rip them a new one.
Wife: Will he still able to play the accordion?
Doc: Ma’am, your husband has no brain function whatsoever
Wife: So yes then
[we both wake up in a panic]
her: i dreamed you died
me: I DREAMED YOU LEFT ME ALONE AT THE GROCERY CHECKOUT LINE TO GRAB ANOTHER ITEM
“Honey, it’s time we talk to him about the roaches & the fleas”
“You mean the birds & the bees?”
“DEAR GOD WOMAN HAVE YOU SEEN HIS ROOM!”
Took my kid to a roller rink and strapped on skates for the first time in 30 years.
The arcade games, the music, the disco ball; every detail took me straight back to my youth.
The only new feature was the ambulance ride.
FINE, I WON’T.
Spy movies are unrealistic because no one could keep a secret for that long. The moment I got CIA clearance I would text my best friend like “ok so you can’t tell anyone this”
Forget the fire jugglers and sword swallowers, the most hazardous job at a carnival is guessing the age and weight of women.
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
To take full advantage of the never answer calls from an unknown number rule, you should also never assign names to numbers in your phone.
Me: I don’t want to hear it, I want to feel it!
Also me: Not like that!
friend: this has been the worst day of my life
me, an aspiring motivational life coach: worst day of your life SO FAR
Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal