Why is he not as excited to meet me? 🙁
You Might Also Like
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Son: I have to bring a giraffe to school tomorrow
Hub: *types in zoo coordinates & grabs keys*
Me: He means a graph
Hub: I GOT THIS HONEY
Banned from Yelp for including “the rat seems to be vulnerable to attacks from behind or when adjusting mask” in my Chuck E Cheese review
Don’t mistake my kindness for weakness. I am both kind AND weak. I’d like you to recognize them individually.
When I am president, it will be legal to grab the waists of slow and distracted pedestrians on cell phones and race them along.
Exposed Ashley Madison users feel hurt & betrayed, unsure if they can ever trust again.
God bless the hundreds of people doomsday prepping at Costco right now and still eating the little food samples sitting out for everyone to touch #coronavirus
[opens fortune cookie]
be careful what you wish for
[opens another]
this is your final warning
Someday, I wish Twitter will come up with a new & useful feature for once, like a sarcasm indicator for the ones who never get it.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
[9pm arguing]
Him: you always need to have the last word!Me: I do not!
Him: prove it
Me: *crosses arms, glares silently*
[3am sleeping]
Me: *whispers* I win
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
I’m going to make a secret pornography organization called The Illuminaughty.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
in my backyard: if I see even one bug I’m going inside
on a hike: I want to pet that bear
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
2003: Fear that ppl from the internet will find me in real life.
2013: Fear that ppl from real life will find me on the internet.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
me: “youre serving Blue Curacao? so its a boy! congrats man!”
friend: “for the third time, this is not a gender reveal party and please stop drinking the Windex. i think it is causing permanent damage”
me: “so, have you picked any names yet?”
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
*marshmallows
*chocolate
*graham crackers
*lighter fluid
*matchesCashier: “Going camping?”
Me: “Nope”*wine
*tampons
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
“Move miss, please get out of the way. Please get out of the way, miss. Please get out of the way.”- Ludacris’s cousin, Kurteous
cop: know why I pulled you over?
fortune teller: well let’s just see (flips over tarot card that shows a skeleton in a car doing 45 in a 35) ah frick
[First day as a surgeon]
Me: Oops…..
[Last day as surgeon]
Fertility group: We need some brochures about some really serious topics.
Graphic designer who is a birder on the weekend: You got it, chief.
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…