Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
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If you startle me, I blow up like a puffer fish and roll away.
Boss: Don’t sit in that cubicle, it’s haunted by the ghost of Steve
New Hire: Prove it
Boss: DONUTS IN THE BREAKROOM
* the office chair spins around immediately *
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
Life is what happens to you when your wifi stops.
“Can I be completely honest with you?”
— someone about to piss me off
“You’re auditioning for Scrooge,” the casting agent says. “No family, no one loves you—”
Batman starts clutching at the script, tearing up.
I didn’t buy any junk food when I last left my house, March 19th…I am intensely regretting that decision.
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Her: Do you know any dog photographers?
Me *imagining a labrador holding a camera* no but I want to
Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.
I’m gonna scream “AVENGE ME!!!” and then just die of natural causes
Me: What’s for dinner?
Her: Chinese.
Me: I will make the Duck Sauce.
*catches duck
*fires up juicer
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
ME: OMG I love quizzes. Next question!
COP: Where were you the night of murder?
The Batcave was 14 miles outside of Gotham City. Close enough for Batman to fight crime, far enough away for Bruce Wayne to avoid ridiculous tax rates.
We like knowing who the fastest person on earth is.
We don’t know why, or how this information will be useful, but we like to know it all the same.
TAPE RECORDER: Your mission, should you choose to accept it
ME: *in my jammies* Mm, no.
I don’t know if it’s a cold or a flu, I’ve decided to feed it anyway.
A haunted house, but instead of masked creatures it’s filled with everyone’s mother-in-laws.
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
I’ve never learned anything from a good decision.
Cats don’t tell police where your drugs are.
Are you supposed to wear your Fitbit in the shower? I’m looking to break this thing as quickly as possible and need advice.
[Couples’ Counselling]
Her: If he doesn’t stop talking in corporate cliches I’m leaving him
Me (in tears): Please don’t downsize our unit!
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
That moment at the flea market, when you realize you’re looking at a vampire killing kit.
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.