[in bed]
her: u have done this before, right?
me: yes, of course. righty-tighty, lefty-loosey
her: what?
me: what?
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My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”
*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix
It’s time.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Cats can use their whiskers to navigate in the dark. I use my toes. And shins. And lots of cursing.
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
“Billie Jean” is probably my favorite song about someone named Billie Jean
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Glad I spent all this money on Bath & Body Works body wash just to make my wash cloths smell nice
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
White, black, brown, yellow, man, woman, transgender, gay, straight, Christian, Muslim, young, old, ALL of you will taste the same to the zombies.
who sleeps with a chair next to their bed that’s like asking for a dead family member to wake you up at 3am asking what you’re doing with your life
Had a dream I went to the chiropractor in a shirt that showed some of my back.
Chiropractor: Do you think you have a fungus on your back?
Me: Do YOU think I have a fungus on my back? YOU’RE looking at it.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Let me tell you how you lost this game according to these rules I’ve just made up.
-Kids when you play board games together.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
he looks great for his age
Me: *Getting dressed*
Husband: *throws pants on floor beside hamper* “Where are you going?”
Me: “Jail.”
My belly don’t jiggle jiggle, it folds.
Boeing set to re-brand as “The ACME Corporation.”
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
[China]
“You have to get good grades”
KID: But it’s so hard!
“We’re Can-tonese not Cant-tonese”
KID: You gotta admit that’s a bit confusing
If having a social media account makes you a journalist, changing a lightbulb makes me an electrician.
Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).
2016: No way will Trump win the election
2017: No way will President Trump fire all those nukes
2018: No way we’re doing what those Apes say
Yes, I’ll fight for the last samble of cheese. We all fought for our ”right to party”, remember? The bar is low
You can marry for love or you can marry for kidneys, but not both
Donner? Party of 87? Your table is ready.