Why is “silly goose” a phrase have u ever met a goose they are the most serious and powerful dinosaur lookin monsters I’ve ever encountered not one of them is silly
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my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
it’ll be another 20 years before vampires can go to the bank again
ME: Who is Taylor Swift’s song “We Are Never Getting Back Together” about?
DOCTOR: I meant questions about the vaccine
Saying “have a nice day” to someone sounds friendly, but saying “enjoy your next 24 hours” sounds threatening.
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking
Snow White is baking a pie with squirrels and chipmunks and there’s not one turd anywhere.
Not one.
Child: Can I have some help with my homework?
Me: Sure. Let’s see. [reading] If you have six apples and give one-[10 minutes later]
Me: FIVE. FFS THE ANSWER IS FIVE
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
The bad thing about subtweets is you can never be sure the recipient received it. That’s why it’s better to shoot them.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
My wife and I are to the point where I can text her “Hey” and she’ll text back “It’s on the dresser.”
Someone in one of the screen rooms at my theatre was eating pepperoni and I can’t tell if I’m repulsed by the smell or impressed by the audacity.
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
I’m sorry…what?
Who exactly is this sign for?
Do they think we’re bringing our own geese?
Why aren’t there new pasta shapes? We should be treating pasta shapes like iPhones, there should be a keynote every year.
Good marriage requires communication: My wife tells me I’m wrong, and I tell her she’s right.
Sorry honey, they were all out of Turnt Triscuits.
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
I hate when that happens.
Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.