ME: does this apartment have a pizza cellar
REALTOR: again, i dont know what that is
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Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I ONLY EAT FREE RANGE GRASSFED CHEESECAKE!
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me: I’m going to shower
6: you’re beautiful! You don’t need to shower!
Me: Aw, than-
6: just some make up would help
Legos cost way too much for smthg I still have to put together myself
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
“Whatcha inventing?”
“I call it a picnic. It’s a meal but outside with bugs and a high risk of bear attack.”
“Can I bring my kids?”
“Sure.”
My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003
Chess with Australians must get so confusing.
“Check, mate.”
“Naw mate, that’s just a check.”
“That’s what I said. Check, mate”
Me: If there was a fire and you could only save me or the cat, who would you save?
Her:
Me:
Her: I feel like you’ve had a good run.
Coworker: You’ll never guess what happened to me this weekend!
Me: You’re right. *walks away*
brent use the shallow end
why
you’re not a strong swimmer
I am so *jumps*
[doesnt surface because I have $1.75 worth of change in my pocket]
News: There are aliens in Miami
Internet: meh
News: Okay well how about More Epstein clients?
Internet: *yawns*
News: Jews in a tunnel?
Internet: 🤯 OMG yes! Now you have my attention
Thanks to a hangover, I was the douche wearing sunglasses inside the airport today.
Husband: *measures out 3 cups of rice, cooks*
Me: what are you-
Husband: *muffled, from behind a giant mountain of rice* why did I end up with 80 cups?!!
Me: *shouting* because you don’t get rice math!
Social butterfly? Nah.
I’m more like a social Sasquatch. Some people swear they’ve seen me, but no one really believes them.
Homeschooling, day 8:
People do this willingly?
Halloween candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
*Crawls into bed exhausted
Bladder: knock knock
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
Ovulating in your forties is like a going out of business sale.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
Son, when I was your age…I moved from New Jersey to California and met this old man that taught me karate so I could defend myself against bullies and enter the All Valley Karate Tournament.
Son: That wasn’t you
I just want to be as hot as a grandparent’s living room at Christmas.
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.