A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
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You don’t realize how old you truly are until you are required to jump down off of something.
someone trained 10 dogs to jump rope together and I can’t train 2 kids to sit and stay during dinner
My Fitbit isn’t accurate when I hold my kid’s hand or push a cart, so I put it on my ankle to get that sexy house arrest look
I laughed at my husband when he asked me why the kids were off of school for Valentine’s Day. This is Texas son, they’re off because it follows the day after the Super Bowl.
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
This is a bad idea on so many levels.
some people keep an ugly friend around so that they look better in pictures and for my dog, that person is me
Admin smashed it 😂
11:34: Arrived at crime scene
11:34: Examined body. Signs of a struggle
11:34: Found murder weapon in drain
11:34: Realized watch was broken
Karate isn’t always the solution but when it is, it’s the ONLY solution
my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
jesus [resurrected from the dead]: alright boys let’s get them eggs
peter: w-what
jesus: egg hunt it’s a thing we’re doing now
john: are you ok
peter: jesus you seem a little… off
jesus: *turning chicken into marshmallow* you have to do this every year
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
My kids are fighting over which chores they want to do and this is one fight that I’m not breaking up.
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
My kids call to me “Oh Mommmmmy” like I’m Toodles about to bring them a Mouseketool.
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
*rookie cop notices splatter on the wall*
Looks like a hotdog defended itself here and lost.
If you’re getting dirty looks because your baby is crying loudly on a plane, start crying even louder and everyone will avoid eye contact
Accidentally mixed up Sudoku and Sepukku again. Long story short it’s a good thing I was already in a doctor’s waiting room
Dearest Emma,
The COVID battle’s intensified. I helped an old lady load groceries. I put all the heavy items into her car.
Then I lost myself, Emma. I stole her toilet paper. It was 3 ply Quilted Northern, the kind with aloe. The lavender scent reminded me of you.
War is hell.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said