Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
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Me: you want salmon for dinner?
3yo: yeah!
Me: what do you want with it?
3yo: mayo.
Me: I meant what kind of vegetable.
3yo: mayonnaise.
French toast is just bread that bathes in milk like some pampered Egyptian queen.
if you do what you love you’ll never work a day in your life because you’ll be unemployed
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
*first date
(Me, texting) This is awful. She’s boring, has no sense of humor & rude
Her: You know you speak out loud when you text, right?
Welcome to your 40s you now spend your Saturday evenings looking for new solitaire games to download
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
You get to sleep all day, cat, that’s why I get the good food.
“Why don’t you slip into something a little… less comfortable?” He tentatively asks while eyeing my knock-off Tweety Bird shirt with multiple sketti sauce stains.
[on phone with kidnapper]
*flirty* …no YOU have 24 hrs to come up with the ransom
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
just a good, friendly, light-hearted conversation that for some reason charmin initiated with me
What idiot called it grand larceny and not klepto currency
I forgot the word “torch” earlier today so I googled “fire on a stick.” I have two degrees in English.
I HAVE BEEN TO FOUR DIFFERENT FABRIC STORES LOOKING FOR THIS ‘WIFEY MATERIAL’!
WHERE COULD THIS TYPE OF MATERIAL BE!?
Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
“I live as a mountain man because I enjoy the isolation and I hate people. Film crews are cool though.” – Mountain Men on History Channel
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
Aw! She reminds me of me when I was in college!
God spoketh unto Noah and The Lord sayeth “build an ark.” God spoketh once more and The Lord sayeth “Simon says build an ark” and it was so.
ex: no one will ever love you like I do.
me: promise?
I always make sure the garage door is shut. Wouldn’t want hoodlums stealing the stuff I’ve been meaning to get rid of for years; hell, decades
happy mother’s day❤️
every time i go to karaoke i tell myself ok. you are not a good singer. no need to be a hero. and then one and a half beers in im like “i am gonna do Video Games by Lana Del Rey so good i end war”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
I just walked into my bedroom and the window was open, so the door accidentally slammed shut behind me. That should keep my family sufficiently terrified for the next few hours.
son: “NO! Make me a sandwich like mommy makes it!”
I begin remaking the same sandwich, this time while drinking a bottle of wine and calling my sister-in-law to complain about my weight gain.
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
I don’t really have a “blood type.” I think all bloods can surprise you if you just give them a chance.