All this data mining and Facebook still can’t tell me what to get my wife for her birthday.
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Me: (filling the medicine cabinet with ping pong balls)
Him: What are you doing?
Me: I invited your family over for dinner tonight.
Parenting explained
Them: Do you know the last time you went to the dentist?
My kids: Look at momThem: How do you want your steak cooked?
My kids: Look at dad
WW2 started from a game of telephone when Hitler said ” I hate shoes”
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
My girlfriend just sighed and rolled her eyes at the same time. This is exactly what WebMD said I would die from.
[First Date]
Me: *licks corner of napkin*
Me: *dabs at his cheek*
Him: ……………
Me: Sorry. Force of habit.
As I get older, I don’t refer to myself as “well seasoned”.
I’m more “fermented”.
ashley: hey
ashleigh: heigh
Cop: What happened?
Me: A Smart Car hit one of those little Fiats.
Cop: Can you describe the accident.
Me: Adorable?
Man: Who are you?
God: Your god.
Man: What’s your name?
God: I can’t tell you.
Man: No way!
God: Jahweh!
Man:
God: Doh!
I always live in constant fear that a bicep avi is gonna steal my lady and treat her right
I got married under the spiderweb at recess when I was in kindergarten. I just saw my ex with his new wife. I bet she doesn’t know he eats crayons.
Me: I have no friends
My bed: Wow I’m like right here
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
If you message me back on a dating app, I assume you are just being polite. If we go out for coffee together, again, I assume you are just being polite. If we end up dating, you’re probably just a very polite person. If we get married, it was probably just the polite thing to do.
Westboro Baptist Church Founder Fred Phelps Dies At 84.Who wants to protest a funeral?
One of my sons says he likes my new haircut, and the other will have to twirl a sign outside a Mattress Firm to pay for college, I guess.
I tell my kids to charge their iPads and then I charge them cause who’s really punished when they’re dead?
Otter: [muttering] futkin kiths
My dealer told me everytime i use a reusable container instead of giving me a new baggie he’ll give me a discount and thats what i call loyalty to the planet.
Just looked up my son’s search history.
Sure hope he learned a lot about girl’s Virginias.
You think a person loves you and then they up and bring a grocery store cake to your birthday party.
famous: well-known for Good reasons
infamous: well-known for Bad reasons
therefore
flammable: catches on fire for Good reasons
inflammable: catches on fire for Bad reasons
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
if i was gandalf, i absolutely wouldn’t make four tiny little shoeless bumpkin boys a core part of my crack team to defeat a goblin mega-hitler, but it worked so fair play to him
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
A dating app for people who are shy called Mumble
me: can i be frank for a sec
boss: sure
frank: thank you
They say women only use 10% of their anger