This avocado wants me to hunt down Han Solo
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sorry i’m still an undecided voter, but it’s hard to pick just one when I love them both so very very much
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
How could I possibly be dehydrated? I drank a bottle of wine just last night
Driving is great because it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
DEVIL ON ONE SHOULDER: stay in bed
ANGEL ON THE OTHER: go to work
YODA ON MY BACK: get up, so heavy you are
Her: hear that?
Me: nope
Her: what if someone’s is trying to get in to murder me?
Me: only person that wants to murder you is already inside
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.
At what point do they stop replacing the wobbly wheels and just send the shopping cart off to live on the farm?
Pretty much the only time I WANT to hear about your ex is if she’s standing behind me with a weapon, other than that I’m good.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
My niece asked me if I was planning on getting banged at the work party
She meant hammered.
Yep! Hammered
ANNOYING SHIT THAT’S HAPPENING:
Fourth grader’s constant use of the phrase, “I know from experience…”.
Stray dog: digs through garbage all day to find one piece of food to survive.
My dog: eats one piece of new kibble and vomits because it’s not his favorite brand. Goes on a hunger strike.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“Ah a delightful spring day. It reminds me of my youth spent in these hills with my parents and three older siblings. You’ll want to turn left up here but first let me tell you about the season we spent in the cabin by the creek…”
-the new GPS app from Allrecipes
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
BEN CARSON: On the news I saw a portal to another dimension open & robots came out, we need to stop that
MODERATOR:That was The Avengers sir
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
At this point the angel on my shoulder just mutters “You’ll regret it,” then slowly sips whiskey.
My husband asked if I wanted to go on a hot air balloon ride but there’s just something about a flame & a wicker basket that makes me want to say no.
Who else is self quarantining alone? I’m this close to naming a volleyball.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.
I bought a Roomba to save an hour on vacuuming, now I’m spending two hours staring at Roomba vacuuming
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
co-worker: ok who put seafood in the microwave
me: oh sorry does my lobster smell
co-worker: no he’s pinching people