Oh you’re an oscillating fan? Name three of their settings
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You know what sucks about Karaoke?
Coworkers don’t appreciate the time & effort that I put into my make up or outfit before singing Madonna
Grabs intercom:
ANYONE WHO WOULD LIKE TO JOIN MY MILITIA, STAY HERE! WE ARE GOING TO OCCUPY THIS OLIVE GARDEN UNTIL I GET MORE BREADSTICKS
According to the conductor, the train I’m currently on is going backwards to the previous station to “get a running start” up a hill, which feels like an idea I’d have if I was in charge of a train.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Took my twins to the dentist so now their teeth are clean but we cannot afford further education.
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
Me: How do we get to the bottom of the canyon?
Guide: *gesturing to donkey* Burro
Me: *starts digging* Come and help you stupid donkey
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I love getting socks for Christmas idk what you people are complaining about
My first son he is wonderful
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
when u have to ignore grammar rules to make a tweet fit into 140 characters
cashier: have a nice day
me: i got other plans, buddy
toddler: Lets go get a cake
wife: Why?
toddler: It’s somebody’s birthday somewhere
me *grabbing my keys* Can’t argue with that
There’s never a good place to clip your toenails at the library.
Son, your mother and I looked at your browser history. Frankly, it’s not pretty. Do you for real need a walkthrough for Call Of Duty
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
*Opens a window and the wind blows 42 corndogs from my desk.*
“Oh no! My research!!”
[being strangled]
me: wait stop
murderer: what
me: did u wash your hands
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
Note to self: Remove “Does anyone else know you’re here?” from list of first date small talk questions.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[NASA job interview]
Interviewer: So it says on your résumé, Mars 2006-2013. Wow!
Me: Yes, then I had five years at Cadbury’s and I’m currently at Nestlé.
Interviewer: Get out.