i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
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man: hello I want a drugs
dealer: are you the cops?
man: [puts on sunglassss] I am not cop
dealer: are you sure!
man: [puts on more sunglasses] I am not cop
dealer: here are four drugs
man: [puts on cop sunglasses] I am cop
One of our insect keepers said she had butterflies in her stomach but she didn’t seem all that nerv-SONOFA!
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
Husband: Don’t tell me they forgot my fries again! How does that keep happening?
Me (swallowing quickly ): Weird, right?
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
You can describe my personality as being confidently wrong all the time.
Any restaurant is a Drive-Thru if your brakes fail.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
[Ghost flies in while I’m changing my top]
GHOST: Booooooo-OH sorry
ME: It’s fine, go on
GHOST: [shielding eyes] No I’ll come back later
A cat burglar, but it’s just me putting stray cats in people’s houses when they leave
“Then it’s agreed. We’ll meet back in this same place in 10 years.” -Me to some dishes in my sink
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
I got bit by an Amazon box. Every full moon I turn into a werehouse.
[Stonehenge]
*Synth bass line*
*hooded figure pops out*
“Thiiiiis is hooww we Druuuiiid”
*other hooded figures pop out*
“It’s Friday night”
when certain foods on a menu have (gf) next to them, I know those are girlfriend foods. I cannot order them until I am a girlfriend. I must be patient
Using the phrase “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger,” only shows that you’re unoriginal and know nothing about spinal cord injuries.
me: how can i reduce the amount of grass in my yard?
friend: lawn mower?
me: no, i want lawn lesser.
At Dairy Queen:
Me: Medium Heath Blizzard please.
DQ: You wanna spoon?
Me: Sure, when do you get off?
i cant feel my face when im with you /
please untie me /
nose is itchy
“Mr musk we would like to use your fortune to help humanity”
*Elon Musk presses a button on his desk* “Just fired a boat into space”
“Please Mr Musk”
*presses button* “Now a banana”
“People are dying”
*presses button* “That one was a bear”
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.
If you’re boarding first, dress casually. It’s no good unless everyone at the gate is surprised.
imagine being Billy Zane in Titanic you think you’re going on a nice little romantic trip, 5 minutes later your gf is sleeping with someone else, the boat’s sinking and you’re racing about the place with a gun thinking why is this my life now