Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
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“Involve your toddler in cooking!” …so dinner can take 35 minutes longer to make and they still won’t eat anything.
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
I’m not surprised you had a facelift..but it looks like you are.
[undercover FBI agent steps out of his surveillance van, knocks on my front door] do you ever stop eating?
My teenage children choosing violence
Palin: I’m seriously considering a presidential run.
Reporter: Do you even know what the word seriously means?
Palin: Don’t refudiate me.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
My kid fell asleep in the car holding his half-eaten donut, so I did the responsible thing and finished it for him
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
People who have to keep a phone charger in the bathroom; have you heard of shredded wheat and raisin bran?
Me: *joins a throw pillow of the month club*
Husband: *cries*
Not me, making rice krispy treats at midnight because my teen forgot to tell me she needed them tomorrow.
[texting gf]
February 13th
“I think we should spend some time apart”February 15th
“Ok that was enough time”
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
me: i need to leave early
boss: why
me: i don’t like it here
There are probably fewer bees around now because a lot of them are still in prison for murdering Macaulay Culkin in My Girl
there are two types of people in the world, those who have to go to Walmart, and those who get to go to Walmart.
I would totally do this if I had any desire to grow ghost peppers.
[falling down elevator shaft]
me: soon I’ll reach the elevator balls
Centipede *gets down on 50 knees*
Girlfriend: OMG
Just spilled water on my laptop so now I’m hanging it out on the clothesline.
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
These childbearing hips have yet to turn one single child into a bear and frankly, I’m disappointed.
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
It’s the “roaring 20s” again so I’m going to take inspiration from the Great Gatsby and continue to not have read any books since high school
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
On one hand, it’s terrible to not have access to the Internet, but on the other hand, it’s terrible to have access to the Internet.
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!