John Wick: I have a date to the ball tonight…and I don’t want to show up…underdressed
guy who just started working today: I’m afraid you’ll be disappointed sir. we only sell murder weapons here
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“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
Wife : Even if you cheated on me, I wouldn’t leave you.
Me : Really?
Wife : Yes. Why would I reward you for cheating?
My boyfriend called my skirt a petticoat and now he’s paying bills using a quill on parchment paper wearing his wooden false teeth.
Only in America: We have a holiday devoted to gratitude & then less than 12 hrs later beat the shit out of each other for a $10 crockpot.
H: this may be difficult, but you’re pregnant.
*flips table*
*punches mirror*
THAT IS THE LAST TIME I BUY CLEAN URINE OFF CRAIG’S LIST!
“First time caller, long time listener” is a creepy thing to say if you aren’t calling a radio station.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
“Don’t kid yourself.”
—birth control advert
husband: we should role play tonight
me: ok you be our hot neighbor Chad
husband: huh, that’s oddly specific
me: listen Chad, it’s inappropriate that you’re in my bedroom please leave my husband will be home soon and we’re probably gonna do it
If I worked at a car wash, I would be making ‘did I make you wet?’ jokes all day.
I’d have an extra 16 hours of free time every single day if I lost my phone!
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards
[birdwatching]
Ah, let us behold the majesty of the Bald eagle. And let us acknowledge the social awkwardness of the Combover eagle.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
5: Is it okay if I don’t eat all my ice cream?
Me *already happily eating it*: As long as you ate what you want it’s okay, except that now poor mommy has to finish it
5: Will you be okay, poor mommy?
Me *scraping the bottom*: In time I will probably recover
People obsessed with how much I bench need to #chill. It’s not like Coke publishes their recipe online for morrons to study.
Ive just finished writing my first ever childrens novel. It’s called ‘We’re poor because of you’.
I owe my mom for pretty much all of who I am.
So, if you’re looking for someone to blame, there you go.
“Read ’em and weep” I say as I lay down my hand: a collection of my grandparent’s handwritten love letters from WWII.
6yo: please please please???
Me: fine. Just give me 5 minutes.
[40 minutes later]
6yo: has it been 5 minutes?
Me: no.
My computer caught a mosquito virus and has malwaria.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Doctor: so your blood type is-
Vampire: ALL of them
The cicada invasion is like insect spring break: a bunch of horny teenagers, everyone knows when they’re arriving, no one wants them in that quantity, and they’re going to leave a mess
I have this funny thing I do where I say ‘we should grab a beer sometime’ when what I mean is ‘I need to end this call now’.
I just *puff* completed a [leans on wall to steady myself] 5km run in *puff* 30 minutes for the [wipes bucket of sweat from face] first time ever [adds “fit” to bio before collapsing]
Not sure if the bulb for my check engine light finally burned itself out or if my car magically fixed itself, but I’m going with the latter
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.