My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
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All I really hope for at this point is to never be in a situation where my flight number ends up the title of a movie.
Raise the roof!
The roof is on fire!
Hit the club!
Bust those moves!
Burning the dance floor!– RL partying sounds so violent
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Giraffes only sleep 2 hours a day.
If reincarnation is real, fingers crossed that I don’t come back as a giraffe.
*4-yr old niece tells me about trip to Empire State Building
Her: It’s so tall, I almost touched the moon!
Me: Oh you are so full of shit!
This “violence in the workplace” seminar is only teaching us what we shouldn’t do. No fighting techniques or anything.
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
1000s flocked to NJ to see the Virgin Mary in a tree trunk. But, don’t judge them, friends. When was the last time you saw a virgin in NJ?
i wanna do one of those guy takes a picture of himself everyday for a year but i’m afraid people will be like wow he really wears that sweater a lot
I’m a dirty bird.
*shits on your windshield*
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
I knew someone who shared a birthday with her brother, and their sister’s birthday was the day before, and I always felt like that gave me way too much info about their parents
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
My husband is lecturing me on cyber security which is hilarious coming from someone who has imslimshady1234 as his password.
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
-Houston, do you copy?
-Houston, do you copy?
-God damn it, Houston!
-God damn it, Houston!
My Cheese Blintzes exploded in my hair, and now it looks like I had more fun than I actually did!!!
My son got me some very expensive cologne for Father’s Day. I know it was very expensive because he used my credit card.
*first day of pilot school*
Teacher: Did you read the class description wrong?
Me: No, why do you ask?
The parrot on my shoulder: No, why do you ask?
If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Constantly torn between “Let’s automate it, it will save time!” and “I’ve spent 3 days automating a 30 minutes task”
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
Every generation gets the Batman it deserves, not the Batman that it wants, and then two additional Batmans.
Hey I know I said never to text me again and I hope you die, but do you remember the name of that movie where the one sister is murdered and the other takes on her identity?
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
All I’m saying is, the minute Canada starts refining its maple syrup reserves into weapons-grade Aunt Jemimium, we’re all french toast.