Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*
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Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
I’m texting hubs a grocery list one item at a time so he can experience his phone blowing up
“When one door closes, another one opens.” -Boeing
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
Actually cracking up @ this
Got tazed by security for asking why is it called an airport when it’s on the ground.
Roger Clemens is pitching for a Texas team named the Sugar Land Skeeters? They sound more like an Atlanta Strip Club than a baseball team.
[SCIENCE FAIR]
ME: It’s a Pez dispenser, but for hot Pop-Tarts.
PRINCIPAL: This fair is for kids.
OTHER PARENT: Shut up, let him finish.
Me: Do you ever have one of those days where you just want to stay in the shower?
All other inmates (in unison): No.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Only whores show their boobs. Only uptight bitches won’t show their boobs. Please show me your boobs. Women are crazy. – men
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
Down on yourself for being lazy? Keep in mind the Greeks believed their Gods lived atop a very hikeable mountain and no one went to check.
New mom: any advice?
Mom 1: sleep when the baby sleeps
Mom 2: eat when the baby eats
Me (who has no children): check your email when the baby checks their email
Why isn’t Yosemite pronounced like Vegemite?
When someone is trapped in a bear cave, offering to send more bears in is frowned upon. I know this now.
If you get lost on Columbus Day you’re allowed to just choose and occupy a new home, regardless of its current occupants.
The more you know
ENTER PASSWORD
> bench85
PASSWORD TOO WEAK. TRY AGAIN.
> bench285
BRO!
i’ve had this nightmare before 😱
Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
And on the 8th day, God almost created Lionel Richie but was all like “Naw, I’ll just hold off a few thousand years then one day HELLO!”
My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.
I’m so talented I can not only spill food on my clothes but I can get it on yours too.
Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.
Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Secret agents asking citizens to please speak more clearly in all phone calls. Also, cut the chitchat and get to the good stuff, they ask.