My wife and I can’t agree on appropriate gardening attire. But she’s digging in her heels.
#NationalGardeningDay
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Why do my fully charged AirPods deplete at different rates? Do I listen harder out of one ear?
My 4yo went through my phone and confronted me like I cheated on her, “you took a lot of pictures of this baby…”
Anyone who thinks things have got so bad that they can only get better is showing a remarkable lack of imagination.
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
Wow, I wish people were into politics as much as they’re into sports.
*meets someone who’s really into politics*
Wow, I wish I was dead.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
WIFE: how old is your daughter?
WIFE’S FRIEND: she’s eight going on nine.
ME: *whispering* That’s how numbers work
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us?
GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other?
Boxing is born.
Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
starbuck cashier: can i get a name
guy ordering in front of me: it’s Ben
me: ONE WEEK since you looked at me
Why do animals in Lion King worship Simba? Do they not know they are food?
3-year-old was singing quietly into a banana and without looking up from his video game, her brother said “It’s not on. You have to turn it on.” So she pressed an alleged button on the banana and now she’s singing very loudly into it? Huh
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
To the woman a booth over who said “There’s nothing worse than cold toast!”
I want your life.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
If dogs named famous people, we would have:
-Bark Wahlberg
-Bark Zuckerberg
-Bark Hammill
-Bark Obama
-Charles Barkley would still be Charles Barkley
Runners who don’t win the race suffer defeet.
Me: I am forever in your debt
Bank manager: That is accurate
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
where do you get off assuming i don’t love stupid prizes? *proceeds to play stupid games*
You didn’t make the team.
*me as your life coach
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard