It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
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Them: omg, I haven’t seen you in so long
Me: yeah that was on purpose
Stuck in traffic but luckily few people are beeping their horns so we’ll be moving any second now.
Normally don’t love when patients lie to me but today a patient said I was tall and my 5’8 self believed them
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
I was just interrogated by my 7yo who, frankly, was SHOCKED to discover her dad is my first and only husband and I don’t want to know what that says about me
87.5% of marriage is just marriag.
sorry, eggs benedict are way too fancy for me. bring me some eggs steve
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
Mother’s Day is great b/c you get to wake up to your kids fighting over who gets to give you your card first instead of regular fighting.
I like crazy people until they notice me
3yo: I don’t want a walk
Me: Come on, it’ll be fun braving the elements
[An hour later]
3yo: *Very disappointed* Where are the elephants?
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
[creating seahorses]
God: give em little horsey faces
Angel: aww cute
God: fish lookin bodies
Angel: ok…wait, really?
God: curly-cue tails lol
Angel: this is confusing
God: oh yeah? make males carry the eggs til they hatch and explode outta their pouch
Angel:
God: POP
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
I know Taco Bell doesn’t have “I hate myself” sauce yet. But they should. They should.
The longer this goes on, the harder it’s going to be to return to a society where pants are required.
Me: Guys, please, I just need 5 minutes without a question, so I can finish this.
4yos:
Me:
4yos:
Me:
4yo: Why do you need 5 minutes, Daddy?
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
You should’ve seen the confused look on my neighbor’s faces when they came downstairs to a fresh pot of coffee this morning.
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place
“HELP WITH CAT”
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
how is beauty and the beast a “tale as old as time”? a lady hooks up with a big dog, and all the candles in the house start talking? I hope that hasn’t happened before
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.
What if instead of startling someone you could stople them. Just like, do something that makes them instantly really relaxed
Sorry I unfollowed you on Instagram, but you take at least 10 pics of your face everyday. I don’t even look at my wife that much.