Me driving at night:
I hope this is the road!
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What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
Please, sir. Your gold chain is too arousing.
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
marriage advice: if you ask “is that guy a double agent?” enough times your husband will hand you the remote.
I walk into the office for my new job and this is the first thing I see
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
Just saw a fat woman lick icing off of her sleeve so that is the last time I eat in front of a mirror.
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
The crack of dawn is probably just as good as the crack you get at midnight.
My 5yo son at a cookout, “Where are the scrambled eggs?”
sounds kinky. i’m in.
Drunk on Twitter: Omg what an awesome idea!
Morning after on Twitter: Jesus Christ I’m gonna have to leave here now.
[Logging in]
• Password must be 6 digits
Me : *Types “6 digits”*
Computer : You are an imbecile.
“Actually I have a lot of secs” is apparently not the right answer to “Do you have a sec?”
Kid in grocery store walks past me and points “Mommy look, that’s a BIG Mommy!”
It’s called TALL, you little shit.
Grease is my favourite film about a group of high-school kids who have been kept back for 17 years
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
Being a woman means owning ten bras. One you wear six days a week. One is on emergency reserve in case you have to leave the house on laundry day. And the rest exist to take up space in your already overstuffed underwear drawer.
5-year-old: I’m supposed to find out more about my hero for school.
Me: Aw, you came to me.
5: Yeah. Can you tell me more about Batman?
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
A hot girl in the hallway just smiled at me, but don’t worry; I yelled “I’m taken,” and ran into the men’s bathroom where she can’t follow.
Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.