Only thing I Iike about kids, is their ability to attract ice cream trucks
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I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
[grabs mic during TED Talk] They’re towing a BMW in the parking lot
*crowd goes apeshit*
when super mario bros. was released in russia it was much less popular under the title “you are toilet man fight turtle monster”
How long can you soak pots & pans in your sink?
Please say 12 years
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
lawyer: mr bond your ex-wife just needs to sign the divorce papers
wife: anyone have a pen?
james bond: here you go. make sure you click it 3 times.
w: thanks…why 3 times?
jb: its an old pen
w: its a bomb isnt it!?!
jb: *from outside* ₜₒₜₐₗₗᵧ ₙₒₜ ₐ ᵦₒₘᵦ
Therapist: Did someone refer you to me?
“Yes, everyone.”
I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
I eat too much candy. I know this because my dentist plans his annual trip to Hawaii after my appointments.
The best part about my sex life is all the free time it affords me.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
Couples costume idea: both people dress up as Robin then spend the whole night arguing over who was supposed to be Batman
*in the car*
dog: where we going?
me: to the neuter clinic
dog: neuter clinic? you’re nuts!
me: no. your nuts
*standing outside your house
I was totally going to stalk you but…
*pets your dog instead
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
My kids decided to move a piece of furniture to a random spot, I wonder how much it will cost to fix whatever they’re covering up
the family mocked me when I said I was building a rocket to fire the hamster into space, but I notice they all subscribed to the YouTube channel to watch the official launch
Eye drops falling everywhere except my eyes is why I have trust issues.
Are we sure this new planet isn’t just Pluto wearing a wig?
My daughter found out that she can type 36.2 words per minute when texting. Which is odd because she always answers my texts with “k”.
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
If you want to know who serves the best fries ask your vegetarian friend bc that’s all we order at 50% of all restaurants
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
If he:
-Changes his entire look for you
-Travels 1,900 miles upstream to chase you
-Procreates and dies
-Replenishes an entire ecosystem with his carcassHe’s not your valentine, he’s a Chinook salmon