wife: my husband thinks he’s a ghost
marriage counselor: what. where is he
wife: he’s probably trying to come in…
[sound of someone running straight into the door]
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mercenary: do you want this schrödinger guy dead or alive?
cat: *narrows eyes* yes
Names that sound like Tarzan describing people:
William Hurt
Emily Blunt
Edgar Wright
John Goodman
Shelley Long
Timothy Treadwell
Emma Stone
Jack Black
My Dr. told me about a new med he wanted me to try and offered that there are some sexual side effects to which I replied “yeah I don’t do that!” instead of nodding quietly like a normal human.
I hugged my youngest son today and asked him “how’s my favorite son?” and from the next room the oldest son shouted “I heard that!”
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
At this point in my life if I drop something and can’t pick it up with my foot or via one of my kids, it’s staying on the floor.
A couple of birds are outside fighting. Wait. They’ve quieted down. There’s a third bird. I think he may be their therapist.
Parties are like jury duty for introverts. You know it’s the right thing to show up, but you really hope there’s a murder so it’s worth it.
*girl uploads photo*
her fake friends: 😩😍😍😍
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
me: everything has bluetooth these days
dentist: no ya that’s not normal
The first rule of Thesaurus Club is, you don’t talk about, mention, speak of, discuss, chin wag, natter or chat about Thesaurus Club.
They banned trick or treating this year so I’ll just be sitting on my porch handing out bad advice to anyone who walks by.
Learn cursive, they said. You’ll need it your whole life, they said.
if your refrigerator’s running i’d take off in the same direction. no time to grab anything just go, run!
This is why I don’t delete Facebook
My mom just asked me if the yams are organic like she didn’t raise me on penicillin steroid cow meat and food coloring
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..
wife: Did you leave a good tip?
[flashback to me writing “Always look both ways before pulling out into traffic” on the check]
me: Yep
I have a rare muscle disease that causes my hands to write racist things that I don’t remember later. The Doctor is calling it Ron Palsy
Haven’t lost a game of chess in twenty years, mainly because I haven’t played in that long or what have you.
Guinness Book of World Records should be in the Guinness Book of World Records as being the book with the most world records.
“Sir can I ask you why you’re smoking TWO huge cops?”
Blunt, i’m
*turns to camera*
Doing this tweet wrong
*Blunt just stares in confusion*
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
[ 25 years after my dad went to the store for smokes ]
Me: why did you abandon us?
Him: sorry. I went to CVS and the receipt just finished printing.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.