[invention of cap’n crunch]
satan: give them sugar croutons
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My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
Some of my friends are discussing why Harrison Ford is still playing Indiana Jones but honestly, having an 80-year-old professor not retire is like the most accurate part of the franchise
My brain doesn’t sea typos until I’ve already hit send.
“This is all water! Now that was misleading”
-Pedophile who found the fountain of youth.
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
Anything is free if you can outrun security.
The more you know.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
[at a dinner party]
Me: I saw a UFO once
Wife: It was a frisbee
Me: At the park
Wife: Frisbee
Me: I took a pic
Wife: Of a frisbee in the air
Me: *shows pic*
Friend: Looks like a…
Wife: Frisbee
I thought I had an electric toothbrush, but it turns out I just have really unsteady hands.
Me: “Your mum sucks.”
GF: “That’s not very nice.”
Me: “No, it’s wonderful.”
Hi, I need to schedule a doctor’s appointment. Why? I’m down a few pounds and need it documented in my permanent record. I AM THINNER and won’t be ignored.
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
me: i just saw a huge rat
starbucks employee: what
me: sorry i just saw a venti rat
employee: omg where
wife: can you stop messing around
lawyer: im not
wife: just read my husband’s will please
lawyer: that’s what it says.. “oOoOoh im a ghost”
I just checked Amazon again and they still don’t sell fire-breathing dragons. I’m a Prime member, this is bullshit.
A “cup of Joe” has a completely different meaning at the sperm bank
Every time a bell rings an angel gets its wings. It’s always the same angel. It’s covered in wings now and wants to die but can’t
Me: I’m not the same person I was when you met me.
Him: we met six seconds ago.
One alternative to having kids is to hire two people to sit in your car and start a loud argument every time your favorite song comes on.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
I reached the summit’s peak, spoke to the Oracle, and she says you have to let me finish the rest of your m&m’s
My wife is constantly hiding things where they belong.
[assembling baby’s cot]
Wife: take that bit off
Me [reluctantly removing the machine gun turret]: so anyone can just walk in here then
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
I show dominance by ordering something completely different after asking you what’s good here.