My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
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I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
I can’t tell if this store is out of Scotch Invisible Tape or not.
I’d rather be hit in the face with a shit-filled sock than to ever attempt helping my parents install a DVD player over the phone again
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
Time is precious, waste it wisely.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
Is this your 1st video conference call?
*Takes HUGE bong rip*
*Holding it in* umm noSo you’re aware we can see you?
*Cough* what *cough*
This is the cockiest hospital i have ever seen
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
FRIEND: if i buy a giant iguana will people respect me?
ME: no
FRIEND: they’d stop making fun of my ponytail
ME: they’d pretty much have to
When an old lady dies and then her husband dies a couple of weeks later, it isn’t because his heart is broken. It’s because he can’t cook.
I covered my gf with dough and raisins and put her in the oven to annoy her. Hell hath no fury like a woman sconed
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
Just a reminder that The Batman is a Halloween movie the same way that Die Hard is a Christmas movie.
The moral of “The Three Little Pigs” is “make your house with bricks.” Why are we giving four year olds architectural advice?
If I’m ever captured as a spy, all they’d have to do to get me to talk is put my house slipper on the wrong foot.
If you give him the silent treatment, he wins. Instead, voice every single thought that pops into your head until he kills himself.
My husband’s favorite place to stand is right in front of whatever cabinet I need.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
Me: I’m interested in your doggy daycare program for my puppy.
Clerk: Okay. It’s $45 for a full day, and they get to just play and sleep and eat treats and hang out with other puppies.
Me: Can…can I join, too?
Barber: “so you’re thinking like an inch off the top?”
Me: “I have absolutely no idea how to answer that question.”
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
Before crowbars crows drank alone
My daughter said her English class requires 1,000 pages of summer reading so we went to The Cheesecake Factory and I handed her a menu
[at the spelling bee]
moderator: your word is parole
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: depends what you’re in for
I have been successfully sitting in chairs for over 40 years without falling off–a skill I apparently didn’t pass on to my boys.