I was having a rough day so my wife suggested we make bread dough together.
I kneaded that.
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I’m sorry, I didn’t realize how quiet your bathroom exhaust fan was.
*First person to ever eat Chicken*
Friend: So what does it taste like?
FPTEEC: It’s hard to say!
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
My goal weight is for it not to look like I’m having a stroke when I yawn.
I sure do wish my gasts would stop getting flabbered
i hired way too many actors for my movie about weather. it was overcast, is what im saying
Ever have that fantasy of pulling over on the side of the highway and running into the woods and disappearing for a few years?
Just me?
Oh no, we don’t go in there. That room belongs to the spiders.
My wife says the sweetest things in the morning like”Love you,” & “DID YOU SERIOUSLY EAT ALL THE COOKIE DOUGH FOR BREAKFAST WHAT IS WRONG WI
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I never interrupt because I’m rude. I interrupt because I’m more interesting.
Them: You have a weird sense of style
Me: *takes off glasses* Rude
Them: But true
Me: *takes off second pair of glasses* Give me an example
Best Halloween yard decorations 😂
8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up
I hate it when I see an inflatable arm-flailing tube man and then I realize that he was actually flailing his arms at someone behind me.
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: goodnight
me: goodnight stars 🙂
stars: goodnight
me: goodnight planetarium security guard 🙂
security guard: how the hell did you get in here
“Where have you been all my life?”
In a secure psychiatric unit. Next question.
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
My kid systematically checks me for weakness like the velociraptors in Jurassic Park testing the fence
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
My zodiac sign is pistachio
“Like a good neighbor, State Farm is there,” we chant. Another agent appears inside the pentagram and screams. The dark lord feasts tonight.