Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
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Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: I’d say listening is my biggest weakness.
made the mistake of believing my kid when he said he didn’t want me to buy him cheesy bread
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
I gave my Yorkie a haircut today. Now I know how lion wrestlers feel.
Ed [laughing]: what do you call a fish with no eye?
Stede, without looking up: Myxine Circifrons
Ed:
Ed: fsh
For most, bikini season lasts a few short summer months, but I catch enough & store them so efficiently I can eat bikini all year round.
commenting “so brave” on every couple photo on valentine’s day, as a treat
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Your preoccupation with Hugh Jackman, Hugh Grant and Hugh Laurie is irritating. Why do you have to make everything about Hugh?
A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.
I googled “how freaking long can it possibly take to play 18 holes of golf?” if you wanted to know how much trouble my husband is in tonight.
If Princess Peach fixed shoes for a living she’s be Princess Peach Cobbler lol thanks for following
Lady: Help!! My husband isn’t breathing!
Doctor: LET ME PAST *elbows his way through the crowd* I’ve never seen anyone die before
9 out of 10 people agreed this meeting could’ve been a group nap.
The 10th one banned me from asking questions at future meetings.
@spacej_me this lady at a bar was flirting with me and telling me AI’s will take my job and i was like no way and she was like oh for sure and I was like listen lady there’s no way AI will take my job, im unemployed and she stopped flirting with me at that point
Me: But what about the time I saw 9 sets of footprints in the sand?
Jesus: Hey man it’s a public beach
My kid has been not so subtley asking when April 1st is for the last three days and I am afraid to get out of bed
I practice law under my previous husband’s last name bc I built my firm around that name.
Today the Judge called me by my current husband’s last name.
Client: What the hell? He doesn’t even know your name!
Me: That is my last name.
C: WHAT THE HELL I don’t even know your name!
My wife has like 20% of a conversation in her head before she decides to bring me into it. We can be driving in silence and she’ll just be like “and then we’ll pick the kids up and go straight from there.”
VERY ANNOYED. My enemy keeps playing Hulk Hogan’s theme song b4 I enter rooms. People then expect Hulk Hogan & are disappointed when it’s me
“Well, you only live once.”
– Guy, convincing himself to skydive“Well, you only live once.”
– Me, convincing myself not to skydive
I feel this so hard
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
Don’t ask me to dance. I look like a four-year old with his first sparkler.
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
[Calling the police]
“Help! Someone with a slice of beef strapped to his elbow is chasing me!”
“Stay calm.”
“Yes, that’s him!”
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
Never underestimate a woman sitting quietly in a corner sharpening a knife.
Police found the neighbourhood paedophile shot in the head 27 times. Authorities ruled it the worst case of suicide in a decade.
Every kid in my second grader’s class is assigned a “job” each week, most are things like watering the plants or sharpening pencils but one of the jobs is “tech support” because every 7-year-old knows more about technology than the teacher.