Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
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I thought this waitress was in love with me but then right in front of my eyes she started to bring other people food.
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.
My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Bread: For when you want to wrap your food with other food, then eat it.
I wonder if dogs get embarrassed when they have to stand that way and shit in front of everybody. I know I do.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
My dog went to his room but left a decoy and I legit thought he was still sitting next to me for like two hours
If you add up everyone murdered in BBC crime dramas, there are actually only 40 people still living in the UK
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
[ first time mugging ]
me: gimme all your mash
him: did..did you just say-
me: mash. omg i did
him: lol
me: started to say money, then cash jumped into my head last second, i’ve never done this before sorry
him: np my dude, take it from the top
me: gimme all your coney ope
Cat: LET ME OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW!
Me: *Staggers out of bed. Opens door*
Cat: *lies down on doormat*: You are dismissed.
*STUDYING FOR JOB INTERVIEW*
•Never criticize your former employer
•Maintain eye contact
•Be positive*JOB INTERVIEW*
INTERVIEWER: Tell me about yourself.
ME: I worshiped my previous boss, *leans in close*
and we live in a world of limitless beauty.
One of the weirdest aspects of being human is that if something is cute enough our only response is to want to squeeze it until it’s dead.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
I always say “goodbye” to the Wal-Mart greeter, just to close that loop.
MARINE BIOLOGY PROFESSOR: So an octopus can change its color to mimic its surroundings. When octopi do this it’s called—
ME: An octo-lie.
PROFESSOR: …Metachrosis.
ME:
PROFESSOR:
ME: Mocktopus.
My wife’s so square in bed she has cubic hair
Me: *finally asleep*
Raccoons: Let’s have a rave on the deck and scare the shit out of her at 4am!
Mother Goose: I need some ideas for my nursery rhymes.
Me: a young boy and girl fall down a hill and the boy suffers a head injury.
Mother Goose: what? these are for children
Me:
Mother Goose:
Me: an egg falls off a wall and dies.
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
I thought we had something. You met my family, made me dinner, called me honey. Now suddenly you’re a “waitress” who was “doing her job?”
[driving]
WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?
ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?
I’ve lubed my DMs so that anyone who slides into them slides right out the other side.
Area 51? I thought we were all gonna storm Forever 21.
Saw the eye doctor, and that’s 90% of the vision test right there.
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.