The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
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Leaving hotel: please if possible try not to trash the room like a 70s rock band. But no worries if you do
Leaving airbnb: polish all the floors, bake a cake, and wash the towels/ fold them into cranes.
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
The way to cure your loneliness is to get on out there! But first, be better looking. And stop being yourself, that’s obviously not working.
I hope it’s French Onion!
[Applebee’s, 49 BC]
waiter: what would you like, sir
Caesar: gimme that salad named after someone famous *wink, wink*
waiter: *hands him a Cobb salad*
[hanging out in my basement]
Wife: You know, this room could really use more natural light.
Me: Help yourself. There’s plenty in the fridge.
RESUME HACK: Want to avoid the unpleasantries of listing your criminal record? Turn that weakness into a strength with “I’m a person of strong convictions.”
[gets anchor tattoo removed]
Oh dear
[slowly floats towards the sun]
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
I don’t have 2.5lb weights at home so I have to use two bottles of wine for my physio exercises.
About to go out and make some foreign dude’s night by butchering the pronunciation of the food I’ll be ordering.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
vampire: *goes to bite me*
me: ohhh nooo don’t make me immortal and super strong and sexy aaaahhh
A fun thing to yell at a magic show is “BURN HIM, HE’S A WITCH”
2: I no want to eat pasta! It too spicy!
Me: Oh ok then
2: I no wan watch Mickey Mouse he too spicy!
Me: huh?
2: NO BATH TIME BATH TOO SPICY
girls have four moods: famine, pestilence, war, death
The two FIFA World Cup 2014 songs are Ole Ola & La La La.
Our linguistic evolution as humans never ceases to amaze me.
Parenthood can have it’s dark moments.
Like in this closet where I’m hiding eating my cake.
“We’re out of options, I’ll have to use the jetpack,” I said, strapping on the jetpack and ignoring many non-jetpack options still available
Don’t wait until tomorrow to be a good person. Wait until next Thursday
[the city, seeing a marching band]
DAD: Son when you grow up, would you be the savior of the broken, the beaten and the damned?
ME: i’m 6
I’m pretty sure I have all of those countless hours spent playing Tetris to thank for my mad dishwasher loading skills.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
i love contactless delivery they just throw the slop at your door and i run out like a little pig
HER: (seductively) Is it true what they say about guys with big shoes?
CLOWN: They hide under people’s beds and murder them?
Every time I have a salad for lunch my stomach feels the same way a dog does when someone fake throws a tennis ball.
There’s no rule that says only fruit can be put in water infusers. But let me tell you, people get real weirded out when you put beef jerky and cheese in there.
How to paint a live flamingo:
1. Get a live flamingo
2. Paint it