bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
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Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
I like to walk through the mall and hand out bags of Cheetos to all the kids I see wearing white clothes
a massage is not enough I need to be rolled through a pasta machine
I found something called bath bombs in the cabinet and honestly I had no idea we were even at war with the tub
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
I admire my phone for not working when it gets too hot. I, too, sometimes feel that I’m so hot I shouldn’t have to work
During sex she said “deeper” so I rolled over and started reading her poetry.
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
im an adult! i make my own bedtimes! i’ll stay up all night and function at a fraction of my capacity! like a giant grown-up lethargic baby!
The #NSA walks into a bar. Bartender: “Got a new joke for you.” NSA: “Heard it.”
my 4yo daughter has 2 older brothers and removes remote control batteries after selecting her program & volume so good luck fellas
“Dayyuuuum Giiiiirrrl… Did you fall from Heaven?”
*pokes body with stick*
You never know how fast you can run until the parents yell, “the last to reach the bus will volunteer as a volunteer parent at school”.
[at grocery store]
me: no.
God: no.
brain: eat a coffee bean.
Guy on SportsCenter just said Tiger Woods is “swinging a mean stick”, so look out, ladies. He’s back.
It’s like joking about bombs in the TSA security line. Is it protected speech? Yes. Is it a crime? No. Are you going to have a bad day? Yes.
My husband fell asleep while watching Memento…was shocked to find “remember to NOT trust your wife” written on his forehead with a Sharpie
I open a yogurt like I’m opening a coffin
Manager: You’re terrible at taking criticism
*manager is hit by a chair*
Me: How so?
Vegetarian: ‘You know, a cow died so you could have that burger’. Me: ‘Maybe he died because you keep eating all of his food’.
Me: Time for bed
7: But can we watch Back to the Future?
Me: No
7: Empire Strikes Back?
Me: No
7: Karate Kid?
Me: I see what you’re doing and I respect it but the answer’s still no
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Eww this cheese is disgusting!
*keeps eating it
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
“That seems like a you problem” was my favorite comeback until my 5 yo said it to me