PRO TIP: Stall your execution by asking if the lethal injection chemicals are gluten-free.
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[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
A tweet about the Titanic & speech impediments?
Unthinkable.
Back in my day we didn’t have excessive heat warnings. We just melted into puddles and reformed when it cooled down.
I don’t often get suspicious,but squirrels rubbing their tiny hands together? I worry they won the lottery & hired a good hit & run attorney
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Just found out that the old guy at the gym who laughs at all my jokes doesn’t actually speak English.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
a 3 y/o asked if i was an adult yesterday, when i said “yes” he goes “why?” and honestly i don’t have a good answer for it. why am i an adult?? i could be anything?!!
Didn’t think my children listened at all but my 3yo shouted from the back seat, “these people don’t know how to drive!” so now I know he listens to his Dad.
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
I always keep pepper spray in my purse, you know, in case someone tries to attack me or make small talk
I have faith in unanswered prayers, unless I am stepping on the scale.
ME: you said I could have anything I wanted for my last meal
WARDEN [bottom lip trembling]: but my wife made these sandwiches for me
If you say “I’m fine” while squirting a can of whipped cream straight into your mouth, people won’t believe you but they will also leave you alone.
a fun thing to do when you get a compliment is yell “it’s NOT my FAULT”
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.
[Dinner with family of Owls]
ME: Want me to say grace?
DAD OWL: No. We don’t do that
M: I thought you were-
D.O: Pls don’t
M: birds of pray?
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
All it takes is a “food dreadful, service poor” Yelp review to get your mother-in-law to stop inviting you to Sunday dinner.
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
DUDE!
Why didn’t you make
better life choices?![Me to the cicada as it hits my car]
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?