I’m just sayin’, corn dogs are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between corn and dogs.
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I’ve been married for seven years and when we visit my mother-in-law she still types her wifi password in for me rather than share it.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
Scavenger Hunt Party
Give your guests a list of all the things you can’t find and set them loose in your home.
If owned an Italian restaurant, in October I would change the menu to say “fettucine afraido” and “garlic dread” and “boocatini”. I would go out of business, but it would be worth it.
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Before you cannibalize your roommate due to cabin fever, remember that you cannot afford the rent alone. #blizzard2016
My wife tells me we have an event at 5 PM that requires a suit. I’m antisocial enough to appreciate hiding behind several layers of cloth.
What if death changed its name to Jeff and you had to say things like I can’t wait for the sweet release of Jeff.
There was a sudden Jeff in the family
Only two things in life are certain: Jeff and taxes
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
I just want to take a moment to thank God for making it be parrots that talk and not cockroaches.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
HBO gave me unrealistic expectations about how many women would be named Siobhan
“Having oatmeal for breakfast so I can get paid to poop at work.”
– Capitalism baby
My boyfriend just sent me a txt: ‘I think I want to see other people.’ My reply was, ‘You better look out the window.’
A guy just commented on how classy I am
So naturally I removed my finger from my nose so I could type, “Thank you!”
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
Livid.
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
Small dog owners: My dog chewed on my favorite pair of shoes.
Big dog owners: Yesterday my dog ate a couch.
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
The Last Dance just keeps getting better
accidentally left edibles for santa and came downstairs to find him trying to watch pink floyd on my toaster
Why do they call it “a crystal meth addiction” and not “methamaddicts?”
If orange juice comes with pulp included, vodka should have mashed potato in it.
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.